Friday, May 11, 2012

I'm a Transportation Expert

I rode DART once.

It was terrible.

It didn't even come directly to my house.

How inconvenient.

So I drove to the DART kiss and ride to see how the rest of you people get around.  Nobody was there to even give me a kiss.  Nobody's kissed me for a while.

And there were other people doing people-y things on the train. Like talking.  And breathing.

Today, I drove to work.  It would've been so much better had the rest of you not been on the road.  That's the real problem here.  I'm the victim.

Because you were on the road and in my way, I let you know how inconvenient you were making my life.  I gave you the finger.  And you.  And you.

I would drive to work at 4 am to avoid all of you people when driving is a true pleasure.  No one else on the road.  I can weave in and out of lines til my heart's content as if I'm the stunt driver in a car commercial filmed on a closed test course.

That too would be inconvenient.

I would have to go into work early.  And do things.  Like work.  Maybe even research.  That sounds difficult.

So I've decided that road congestion is a scourge that must be confronted head on.

And I'm going to write about it.

Because I'm an expert.

As an expert, I asked other experts, NCTCOG, what I should write about.

"How do we solve traffic congestion, good buddies?"

They gave a long, involved answer in mumbled monotones.  It sounded like mozart to me.

So I told them that was way too much for my paper.

I write in one word sentences.  Because my readers are stupid.  I think.

I asked them to boil down the solution for me.

"Add capacity."

That's it!  I thought.

It's so simple.

If there is a lot of traffic that means demand is high.  Just add supply.  I took economics.  This is simple stuff that my readers wouldn't understand.  It will take me to translate this for them.

So I will.  Here goes:

"Add capacity."

A bunch of yahoos the other day showed up to a meeting.  They mentioned something about "Soul."  I assume they meant Motown.  I flew over Detroit once.  I know all about it.  Everybody moved to the Sun Belt where they could drive happily and freely.  The market in action.

In "Soul," apparently some Mayor thought it would be a good idea to take highways out of a city.  What a maroon.  I don't really know anything about the guy.  Some Young Moon or Kim Jong Kardashian or something.  He obviously hasn't read my transportation expertise.  Because transportation is about moving cars.

Then those poorly informed Koreans, likely illiterate and too poor to afford our paywall, went and elected him President!

They say you rise to the level of your incompetence.

Transportation Editor.